Drown in me
by cheshireSorrows
Summary: Ren confesses, and it doesn't go the way anyone expects. A compromise, a game, and constant drowning; it's all in the name of love. Eventual M.
1. Chapter 1

**STANDARD DISCLAIMER APPLIES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NO INFRINGEMENT INTENDED.**

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Drown in me

Chapter one

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The sky was full – heavy clouds peaked between the grey tinted windows of the skyscrapers as darkness overshadowed the once bright day. Though the sun strained within the confines of its prison, its' warmth and illuminating light was dimmed, reduced only to the ember of a candle.

Curiously, it felt symbolic, as if the universe knew exactly what was going on in the heart of an individual that it could mirror the tragedy a person felt, even if it was more a creeping sensation of dread.

His expression was impassive, and he didn't dare to look at the passenger beside him as he drove to his apartment.

It hadn't been so long ago that he was fighting the urge for a different reason.

Any other time had Mogami Kyoko been next to him he'd have to focus on driving purely to ensure they didn't end up in an accident.

She would fidget beside him, nervous at first, and sometimes she would stutter when she spoke to him.

He, in response, would made it his mission every time to make her blush somehow, and when she did, she would huff and look bashfully out the window.

Then, like clockwork, he would feel bad about it and bring up dinner, something she had taken as of late to sharing with him. She had claimed it was to ensure he was actually taking care of himself a task he never took seriously enough in her opinion: As an actor, getting sick was not an option and as someone she cared about his wellbeing was of utmost importance.

Her passionate spiel was one of the more obvious reasons why she was such a distraction, and the simple reminder that she cared for him gave him hope enough that she might someday return his feelings.

The fact that she was perfect in every way in his eyes had never been lost on him; the fact that she trusted him with her very life and believed him to be her most honorable and respectful senpai was where the problem lay.

His hands on the steering wheel tightened.

If only he hadn't pushed her that night. Hadn't teased her into admitting she thought of him in a different way then she had her other friends. If only he just accepted the little rush of happiness when her confession that he was even a friend at all had her blushing and fiddling again.

Ren was more than happy with the little she had given him that night as they ate – sitting across each other at the table, food in between them and talking animatedly about one topic or the other.

Almost domestic: almost romantic.

The thought pleased him too much to let go, and so he kept on pushing and before he knew it, he had confessed.

Perhaps it was simply the right time, the right conversation, the right atmosphere, but it wasn't.

How the whole thing started was a blur, but the ensuing conversation was clear in his mind:

"I…" Her hands visibly shook, and the chopsticks in her hand fell on the plate. She bowed her head, her bangs shadowing her eyes.

Anxiously he waited, and when it felt like his world was completely falling out of the sky, he could only utter her name before she spoke once more, "I can't love you Tsuruga-san…"

Not even Ren.

"Not because I don't," she added in a whisper and slowly her eyes met his, her gaze guarded and vulnerable at the same time. "But because I don't know what love is…"

Every part of him wanted to shout and shake her, make her understand in some way the depths of his feelings. But it wasn't that she didn't return his feelings rather she just didn't understand _what it is he felt_.

Thickly she swallowed. "That's why I'm in the LoveMe program, to know what it means to love. And I don't know how yet…I'm not…I'm not completely hopeless though, I've learnt so many things and experienced so many things: friendship, kindness, closeness, but love? I'm not…I'm not worthy of that Tsuruga-san, and you deserve that."

"Why should I deserve it, and not you?" he asked, his voice low, "Do you hold me so high that you think I'm without fault, and deserve everything I want but you?"

Her gaze fell as a whimper escaped her lips; her hands drew into her lap: Hiding, defensive.

For awhile they said nothing. Ren couldn't name the emotions filling his chest. It wasn't anger, not at all, just a dull thrum and an unbearable pain that he could feel with every cell in his body. He left the table, back to her as he rested his fist on the kitchen counter and clutched the other at his chest. Somehow, his heart was still beating.

Love unrequited, he thought sardonically, who knew it would feel worse than not being able to tell her at all?

"As your kohai I want to make you proud," her voice came, quiet and unyielding, "to never disappoint you or embarrass you, to please you and make you happy...how am I to do that as anything more?"

Her senpai, always her senpai.

"Is that why you can't return my love? Because you're afraid you'll disappoint me?"

When he turned again, she was still staring at her hands; her cheeks flushed.

In less than two strides he was at her side again, squatting down to her eyelevel so she'd look at him. Taking her hand in his, her expression was surprised and confused – tears, unshed causing her eyes to glisten.

"T-Tsuruga-san?"

Her hand in his, he kissed them and she gasped, the corner of his lips turning up slightly at the sound. From the top of her nails to her knuckles and the back of her hand before he turned it over and kissed the tips of her fingers, the heart of her palm and finally up to her wrist where he lingered. From there her pulse hammered against his lips, and he sighed. "How do I make you understand?"

"You can't," she eventually whispered, "I'm not…I'm not capable of it…"

He looked up at her and the hand he was resting on slipped down to the column of her neck. "Can I teach you then?"

It was a selfish preposition even then he knew, but the proximity of her was too much. The thought of never being that close to her again tore at him, and like a desperate man, he fumbled for a lifeline.

Genuinely confused, and possibly hopeful, her gold eyes stared straight through him. "What do you mean? How can you…how can you teach me?"

"Love is as much about feeling as it is about making another person feel…I know your experience with love hasn't been the best…" Her lips quirked slightly at the understatement, and he smiled a little in reply, "and though I can't understand love for you, I can show you what it should feel like…if you let me…"

Her voice had dropped in a fearful whisper, "What if I don't feel it?"

He faltered and answered, "If it makes you uncomfortable or you don't like it, I'll stop and I'll….I'll let you go."

"Tsuruga-san," she whispered harshly in alarm.

"You won't lose me," he comforted, "I'll still be your senpai."

"And…my friend?"

That was pushing it a bit, but he couldn't deny her that. "Always Kyoko."

The tips of her ears turned bright red, either from the response or simply because he used her first name, he wasn't sure but he found himself chuckling regardless. "Will you let me teach you then?"

"I…" Despite being hesitant, there was hope clear in her eyes even as she questioned, "What would teaching me how to love give you in return?"

"The chance to love you, even at the expense of you not loving me back."

Her colour flared once more though this time she turned away, her lower lip jutting out in an unexpected pout. "How do you make it sound so…so simple?"

"Because it is, really…you trust me, don't you?"

"Yes." With no question or hesitation, it was all the invitation he needed. Taking a hold of her chin, she resisted for a second until the distance between them was reduced to them being nose to nose. Her eyes fluttered, and a small smile was all he allowed, as his breath warmed her cheeks, he asked in a whisper, "May I kiss you?"

A pink tongue darted out to lick her lips anxiously, a part of her wanting to refuse, to run away from all of this, but she pushed the reflex aside and gave a miniscule nod instead, and with that the distance between them vanished.

As much as he had told her that he would let her go if she didn't feel the same, kissing her was like submerging himself in a world that didn't exist beyond him and her, together: the feel of her hair against his forehead, the softness of her skin beneath his hand, the sweetness of her lips against his own – she was everything, she was everywhere, and he was going to drown in her.

Beside him, Kyoko asked tentatively, "Tsuruga-san, are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

She chewed the inside of her cheek as she muttered, "You're lying."

From the corner of his eye, their gazes locked, and he had her drowning without even knowing.

**A/n: **Hello! So this is my first Skip Beat! story, as well as my first attempt at a bit of angst so I'm holding thumbs that this didn't suck too much.

Side note, is it wrong for me to write for this fandom even though all I know about is from fanfiction (hides)

If you like the story, please feel free to follow, favorite or, if you're feeling extra generous, a review.


	2. Chapter 2

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Drown in me

Chapter two

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She wasn't ready for this.

Nose to nose with him, his breath was a warm caress against her cheeks, and his eyes so deep that they were almost smoldering.

Inwardly she gulped.

After avoiding him as much as possible the day after, this was her punishment. A drive home.

Any girl, any person, would kill themselves to be in the same position as her. Even if their adrenaline was pumping, their heartbeat was in their ears and a strange fluttering sensation filled their belly.

Kyoko knew, from experience and in her heart, that there was nothing to be afraid of: This was Tsuruga Ren, she was talking about.

Famous actor, Japan's golden boy, idol number one and her most trusted friend and senpai, notwithstanding.

There was nothing threatening about him, not at all. There was no Emperor in his mannerisms, and the thumb he had tucked beneath her chin to raise her face to his was barely even holding her to begin with.

But her heart was still racing; thrumming, thundering – frantic and impatient at the same time.

Vaguely she wondered if she'd have a heart condition at the end of all of this.

Not that she'd be surprised.

Since dinner with her senpai had taken a turn her skin had spotted with goosebumps, cold and shivering, and yet she felt too hot, like she was sweating through her clothes. There was a distinct tremble everywhere, she could feel it: her lower lip, her toes, her arms and legs. Kyoko wanted to curl up tight just to stop it, but any commands she sent to her brain were ignored.

His voice came then, startling her even though it was barely louder than a whisper against her lips, "May I kiss you?"

She should have said no, refused and ran because that was what she knew, but her body didn't know that and instead she felt her head bob in agreement.

The part of her in control wasn't phased at all by this development, this question, but when his lips brushed tentatively against hers, any rational thought in her head was gone.

Ren had stolen the breath she had inhaled.

There wasn't electricity, not in the way romance books described.

It was like they'd suddenly been engulfed into their own personal bubble with nothing inside but them. She couldn't hear the heartbeat in her ears, didn't feel the tremble at her limbs.

There was him and there was her, and that was it.

It wasn't what she was expecting, and it ended before she could even form a thought coherent enough to make sense. But it wasn't unpleasant, nowhere near it, but she still didn't know what it was.

At the slowly disappearing pressure, his movement to retreat, she reached out with one hand around his head and pulled him back by the collar of his shirt.

It was different the second time as if the first had him just as shell shocked as her. This time he was confident, this time he knew what he was doing.

Wading through the uncertain waters, he anchored her: His arm moved about her body, brushing her arm and sliding down her back until his hand was resting on the floor behind her, and all the while she shivered from a cold that didn't exist and her body burned with an unexplained heat.

As if assuring her that the strange waves would cease causing such a response from her, his lips moved against hers. "Trust me," he seemed to say.

Unintentionally, her lips parted to respond, but that seemed to be a whole other question, one he didn't have a problem answering.

The fingers that found itself in his hair tugged, and he sucked her lower lip in retaliation.

Her gasp was alien to her, just enough to pull her out of the water to realize what it is they were doing, and just in time for her to escape her daydream and realize that the car had stopped in front of the Darumaya.

"Kyoko."

"Yes?" Somehow she managed to sound less flustered than she felt, and she mentally applauded herself on a job well done.

A side glance her way dried her mouth, a look between frustration and confusion, bound in a small smile and a sad pair of eyes. "You trust me, don't you?"

"You know I do." There was still no stutter, but inside she faltered, the words from last night echoing in her mind before he asked if he could –

Ren nodded, and look ahead again. With another breath, he said, "You should go inside, it's late."

After a quick glance at the numbers on the dashboard, she frowned at the hour and asked, "Would you like some dinner before you go?" She smiled and added, "I still don't trust you to eat without supervision."

He gave a small smile, a bit better than the one he had offered earlier but was just as forced.

"I'll make do."

"Tsuruga-san." He heard the frown in her voice, but continued to stare firmly ahead.

"Really Mogami-san, there was lots leftover from last night. I'll be fine."

That faltering feeling suddenly felt more like sinking, and like anyone doing whatever they could to keep their head above water; she escaped.

From over her shoulder, Kyoko watched his car drive away.

The black backdrop of the sky he seemed to drive into was as dark as the eyes that met her when she pushed him away last night. One gasp, one wrong move, and the bubble around them had imploded in an instant as the rest of the world rushed back.

The Emperor of the Night was suddenly before her, his forehead against hers, his breathing ragged and his eyes bent on bringing her down, down, down…

She wasn't ready for this.

**A/n:** This chapter, as is all others, is unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine. Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, it'll be the last for the year so until I see you guys again: happy 2015!

As usual, if you're enjoying so far, please do follow or add the story to your favorite, and if you're looking for some good karma, a review always goes a long way ;) Jokes, but thank you to everyone who left me such amazing reviews, you guys are the best! Any suggestions to improve are appreciated :)


	3. Chapter 3

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Drown in me

Chapter three

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He doesn't know exactly when it was that he knew he loved Mogami Kyoko.

Cliché as it is, Ren thinks that he was in the middle before he even knew that he had begun at all. Cast adrift by gold eyes, her genuine naivety and innocence, the warmth of her kindness and the dedication to those that matter to her; he reasons that it's always been easy to fall in love with her.

"That's impossible," she said, shaking her head as she stands by the window with her arms crossed. The lights of the cityscape catching the glitter in her eyes.

Gently, he touched her shoulders, her name barely passing his lips before she turns quickly to meet his gaze, taking a half step back as she does so. For a fraction of a second, she stares at his lips, and almost in a whisper she reminds him, eyes flying up to meet his eyes, "You promised…no-no kissing." Her whole face is aflame with the word.

Much like her compromise when she agreed to dinner with him, channeling a mixture of Mio and Natsu, Kyoko had her demands and was almost all business:

_Yes Ren-san, if you would like me to join you for dinner I'd be honored. But no kissing, no touching…just…friends. Please._

She faltered of course, towards the end of her declaration. As well as Kyoko can play any part given to her, her role for this particular story isn't determined, and the last thing she wants to do is be miscast.

The fact that she agreed at all to be here with him alone, both at dinner and at his apartment, meant consciously or otherwise, Kyoko returned some of his affection.

His lips pulled into a smile. "As I agreed, but love isn't a terribly difficult thing."

"That's impossible," she repeated.

"There are many types of love," he continued, "but the idea of it is simple." Still, she looked uncertain and Ren pulled away, maybe that will help. "People make it complicated."

The silence is suffocating, and she waits with baited breath as he continues, "You like fairytales, don't you?"

"Y-yes…"

"Well, then, isn't that love?"

"It's not the same kind of love I would get Ren-san, if I would get it at all," she said, shaking her head. "Its' pretty dresses and castles and Prince Charmings, I won't get that."

His brow raised in challenge, and she backtracks with a stammer. "Not that you aren't charming, I just - I don't deserve you. I don't deserve to have a happy ever after."

"Because of your mother and Sho?" Without intending to, his expression is severe at the mere thought of them, his dark eyes shadowed by the blue tint of his equally dark hair.

She stiffens, and with a bare nod answered, "Yes…They weren't exactly good examples..." She exhaled through her nose, sounding more like a bitter chuckle than a huff. "I give and give, and they threw it back at me. The worst part is, I still love them…"

"Not in the same way," she continued quickly, "never the same way as what it was before. But I still do because I know that if my mother were to call at this very second and tell me how much of a disappointment I am to her, I'd still beg her to forgive me and convince her until I'm hoarse and she's put the phone down that I can do better because that's what love is, isn't it? To make the people in your life happy, to never disappoint…"Convinced now, and more sure than before, Kyoko nods to herself. "That's what love is."

"It works both ways."

"What?"

"Love," he said, "If they don't feel the same way you do about them then -"

"They don't love me back." It isn't a new revelation to her, and for some reason it gives her strength. "I told you Ren-san, I can't love anyone if no one has ever loved me. It's impossible."

"I do."

"But I can't love you back if I don't know how," she argues. "I'd disappoint you Ren-san, hurt you, and I-I can't do that to you!"

"But do you love me, Kyoko?"

"I…"

"With your knowledge of what love is, do you love me?" It's a question that pulls both of them taut like a mask on a ship bracing for an oncoming wave.

"Yes." But only because of her definition: respect, friendship, admiration. Ren reminded himself. It isn't nothing; it isn't wrong, and he smiles.

"I love you in the same way."

Her mouth opened and closed in a wordless response; a fish out of water before she's thrown back in, and she stutters one more, "T-that kiss then?"

Ren doesn't miss a beat. "I love you in that way too."

"What way is that?"Kyoko asked quietly, genuinely confused even as he touched her face, warm knuckles grazing her cheek and chin, propping the latter up so that their eyes remained locked.

"You tell me," he entreated.

Like flying. Like drowning. Like there's only us in the world. "I don't know."

He offers a half smile that remains on his lips even as he instructs, "Close your eyes."

"Ren-san -"

"I won't kiss you, I promise." She's almost disappointed, almost relieved.

There's something sensual in the way he speaks, a whisper against her ear as if to tell her a secret even though all he's asking is a question, "How do you feel when I'm this close to you?"

Heavily, she swallowed. "There's a lump in my throat…"

"Mmmhmm…"

"Am I blushing? I feel like I am…" Admitting it makes her blush more, and he chuckled. "You are…" She's quite a picture, standing before him. The hands to her sides twitching to reach for him, eyes closed; vulnerable and sweet; the shadow of her eyelashes emphasized the apple of her cheeks, pink from embarrassment and perhaps just the hint of arousal. She's rigid even though her lips form a bud, teasing with the way she licks them nervously.

"A-and I feel like -"

"You're trembling," he interrupted, more to himself than to her, her lips quiver further beneath the gentle touch of his thumb across them, barely enough pressure but enough to get them to part.

He sighed.

"Ren…"

"I want to kiss you," is his quiet admission.

But suddenly it's cold and Kyoko opens her eyes to find him half way across the room. Again, he leaves her stranded, and it feels altogether too similar to how her mother and Sho made her feel. Somehow, though, it's so much worse.

"You won't kiss me though, will you?"

"We made a deal," he recalled in some amusement. "Would you like me to break it?"

Her toes curl at the thought, and her lips form the words before she can stop them, "Yes…just one kiss…"

In less than two strides Ren's standing in front of her again.

The sudden contact surprises her, and she raises a hand to touch his chest, unsure whether it is to stop him or pull him towards her more. She was surprised further when he bent his head and kissed the top of her head, a hand coming up to cup her cheek as it had before, his thumb tracing a slow circle against her skin as he rested his forehead against hers.

"Ren?"

His sigh is calm.

"The difference between your mother, Sho and I is this, I will always return the love you give to me. No matter which one it is."

**A/n: **So I was going to leave you guys where Ren pulls away after they've been standing so long together, but I figured I left you hanging for so long I couldn't really do that to you so…

Extremely sorry for the late (beyond late) update, my other stories have priority due to them being further along and more popular so yeah. I was also getting a lot of mixed responses – is it OOC, is it not? It wouldn't be bother me if it is or it isn't, but it mentally confuses me when I'm writing…

Anyway, thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

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Drown in me

Chapter four

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Kyoko had never been part of a scandal before, only a day into it and she decided that she didn't like it.

The cameras in her face, sometimes flashing white light at her and sometimes just needlessly getting in the way of just about everyone; the reporters swarming around her with cell-phones to record whatever response came out of her mouth, shouting questions she could barely hear over the noise around them; and worse still, the fans: _His fans._

Their behavior at the apparent loss of their idol from the dating market far surpassed any she had expected, and it made her feel all sorts of guilt despite the near contempt she was treated with.

Someone had spat at her while another called her ugly names she couldn't even think of without her throat tightening and her eyes burning.

All the while, she felt utterly lost, out of control, drifting helplessly as she was being swept away by a current.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"E-eh…ah…"

Kanae stood before her, hands cuffed at her hips and shaking her head in irritation. After a moment, she took pity on her fellow coworker, and took up space on the couch beside the girl that seemed to be on the verge of tears. "Look, I know you're rattled by all of this, but what do you expect? It's Tsuruga Ren of all people; some crazy fans were bound to exist!"

"H…how did this happen Moko-san?" The last part was said in a wail, half muffled as Kyoko sought her friend's warmth.

Awkwardly, the dark haired girl returned the hug.

"I don't know," she honestly answered, "I suppose someone just noticed that you and Ren spend a lot of time together outside of work. I mean they have pictures of you going to his apartment, him dropping you off at the Duranga, going out for dinner or lunch. It was bound to happen."

"B-but he's my senpai," Kyoko spluttered, "I need to learn from him I -"

At her abrupt stop, and the bright blush that followed Kanae raised a brow. "You?"

"I…." Would-would it be okay to tell anyone? Kyoko still didn't know how to deal with it herself, but maybe if she spoke to someone else about it, it would help? Maybe. It wasn't like Kanae would tell people about it after all; Moko-san was her best friend –

"Don't tell me," she demanded, interrupting Kyoko's train of thought as she got to her feet. "You guys are actually dating aren't you? And you didn't even say anything to me! I had to find out on the news! I thought we were friends!"

"Moko-san no!" Practically throwing herself onto the ground and hugging her jumpsuit clad legs, Kyoko begged, "It's not like that! You know I would tell you if anything ever like that happened! I…I…" I've been too embarrassed, too confused to tell anyone…

"You?" Kanae, as expected, was unyielding to the near hysterical mess currently sitting on her feet, prompting her with an impatient raise of her brow.

Her friend's golden eyes were covered by the auburn fringe of her hair, and after several moments of silence, Kanae became increasingly worried. "Kyoko -"

"He…he told me he loves me," she admitted, her voice harsh and the breath that followed shallow. Kyoko had foolishly avoided saying _it _out loud in the time since, what she was now referring to as "The Incident", as if vocalizing it would make it even more real – as if it wasn't already.

"So, it's true."

"Not…not really…I…" Her chin lowered until it was practically on her chest. "I told him that I couldn't love him back…"

"What?" Kanae gawked, "mo, why the hell would you do that?"

"Ah, Moko!"

Pulling her up, she practically threw her friend onto the couch. "Don't 'Moko' me! Why on earth would you say you couldn't? Kyoko, don't you realize how long he's waited for you?"

"It's not about him! The problem is me!"

"Why could possibly be wrong with -"

"Everything Moko!"

"Explain it to me then!"

She sagged, her chin taking up its post on her chest as she stared at her hands. "I…I don't know how to."

"How to – what?" Kanae asked impatiently. "Look whatever it is you don't know how to do I'm sure you can learn – wait, he isn't -" Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "He isn't trying to force himself on you, is he?"

"No, no of course not," Kyoko answered, quick to shake her head, and besides the hysterics of earlier, this is the first time she's shown any sort of her usual energy. Her companion visibly relaxed.

"Well if he isn't forcing you then what's the problem?"

"I don't know how to love him Moko-san!"

She blinked. "Really, that's your reason?"

"Well I…" She played with her thumbs. "I just, it's a big reason isn't it? What if I can't do it right? What if I can't love people?

"You love me," Kanae pointed out, "you've told me thousands of times. Besides, you'd hardly fit into the category of sociopath."

"But I -"

"Hey." She laid her hand over Kyoko's which were already wringing and twisting itself vigorously. "You just…Oh my gods, how do I explain this to you? You just…do what you want, you know with your feelings. I'm sure Ren is more than up for anything especially since you know he already loves you."

Sniffing, she looked up at her. "How do I know what I want though?"

_Her mother and Sho really did a number on her_, Kanae thought with a frown before she got up again. Silently she dug around the drawers of their other coworker's desk.

"Ah Moko-san, I don't think -"

"Here." Throwing a tattered, well used paperback novel in her lap, Kanae declared, "You already know what you want, but I'd rather not give you The Talk so you're just going to have to research that aspect on your own."

"Research," she echoed.

Nodding, and with an index finger raised as if she were lecturing, the other girl elaborated, "Think of it as a role you've been given to play. You've been asked to audition for a part as Tsuruga Ren's love interest. Of course, not knowing what being a love interest entails, you research on whether or not it's a role you want. The book isn't going to give you all the answers, but it'll give you an idea of what it should feel to be in a Love Interest position."

It seemed like a good idea, Kyoko thought with a hum before she flipped the book over to see the cover and gasped, face burning bright red. "M-moko this is a -"

"Trashy romance novel? Yeah I know," she said with a sigh of exasperation, "Look, it's all she has in there okay? Just give it a try. That stuff is a load of drivel, but there's a nugget of truth in everything. You can get your own research books if you want."

"Ah no-no, this is fine…"

"I'm serious, just because it's in a book doesn't make it a hundred percent true. Just read it, and think about it, okay? For yours and Ren's sake."

Nodding slowly, Kyoko cleared her throat and cracked open the well worn spine.

Satisfied, Kanae said, "Because of all that chaos this morning Sawara-san said you can stick around here for the time being, read up all you want, I'll check in with you later."

"Un, thank you Moko-san," and with that, Kanae took her leave of the LoveMe room, shutting Kyoko inside with her thoughts and a trashy romance. Inwardly, Kanae shook her head. Poor Ren.

/

Nearly three hours later, Kyoko had come up with a single conclusion: This is horrible, and Moko-san is mean.

Face still bright red as she squirmed in her seat, the young actress sighed.

She was only half way through the book, and what she gathered from the parts she read so far was enough to get her nose to bleed a few times as indicated by the overflowing bin of bloody tissues.

Kyoko looked down miserably, her fingers twitching as she felt the strange sensation of being tickled at her most sensitive of areas. She flushed and fiddled with the zipper of her pink jumpsuit nervously. That-that's what love is?

A polite knock on the door interrupted her, and she squeaked, apparently enough of a response for the door to open.

She'd been hoping it was Kanae, her friend did say she was coming back to check on her, but the dark hair and eyes that met her weren't that of her fellow actress rather that of the object of her frustration. She made a squeak sound again as she hurriedly tried to make herself presentable.

There wasn't much to rectify actually, but having read of a woman named Celeste that was being ravished multiple times throughout the story, Kyoko was suddenly paranoid of how she appeared.

Was her hair in place? Her top was completely buttoned right? And her skirt, it wasn't flipped over her head was it? Stockings, oh gods, please don't let them be ripped like Celeste's! She shook her head. Gah, no, she wasn't dressed like Celeste was in the book. She was decked out in her eyesore uniform, there was nothing out of place! Still, the mental berating she was giving herself was not enough to give her calm as she stuttered, "R-Ren-san, ah!"

"I'm sorry for interrupting you Mogami-san, may I come in?"

"Er -" Making him stand out there would only attract more attention, and she had just about enough of that this morning thank you very much. "Yes, uhm, come in."

He was dressed as if for a meeting, or maybe another model shoot, she thought. In his well tailored black trousers that clung to him in all the right places, suspenders and a grey button-up shirt that stretched deliciously over his broad shoulders and chest, and without a blazer there was just so much to see – Kyoko shook her head furiously – it wasn't something he usually wore but a lot of women (and men, she didn't doubt) must've appreciated it…Blood rushed to her face again as a particular scene from the book pushed itself to the forefront of her mind about – _Gah no, go away hentai thoughts!_

"Are you alright Kyoko?"

Don't say my name, she almost shrieked aloud, but only squeaked further and burrowed herself into the corner of the sofa, book raised as if to shield herself from him. "N-no, I'm fine, really!"

In her fit of panic, she hadn't realized that her companion was not in the same kind of mood she was in; in fact he was downright grave.

"I just…I wanted to apologize to you about this morning."

"Ah y-you don't need to -" She hadn't thought about it since Kanae had given her the stupid book to read and now she was too busy becoming a pervert!

"Yes, yes I do." It was just his luck really, Ren thought with a sardonic chuckle. With this scandal out, there'd be no choice for her but to accept him, at least not without causing her further problems and constant dodging of questions by the media, and if there was one thing he knew for sure about Kyoko was that she was no liar.

It seemed that things were working in his favor, but he wasn't inclined to celebrate knowing how much it was trapping her…

"I don't know how those pictures got taken and I want you to know that it has never been my intention to put you under so much stress."

She finally dared to peek up at him from the top of her book, her eyes widening a smidge at the damn near perfect picture he was making himself look to be: leaning almost casually against her door, one hand in his pocket – a sign of his quiet confidence, add that brooding look and - "R-Ren-san really it's okay -"

"I don't want things to get hard for you."

She burrowed her head down again, avoiding his eyes. "Ren-san it wasn't your fault."

"But it was," he argued as he pushed himself off the door to come closer to her, and she squirmed as she inadvertently called his approach a prowl – like he was the predator and she was some innocent creature that he was going to make lunch out of – _Stop it brain!_

"I just…Kyoko, what are you reading?"

"Ah, oh this! It's uhm," she stuttered, and fiddling and squirming, Kyoko continued to mumble words that were barely words as he stared down at her, unblinking with that intense look in his eyes.

She gulped. This is what it feels like to drown on land.

**A/n: **SURPRISE, I UPDATED.


	5. Chapter 5

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Drown in me

Chapter five

.

"I…"

He flipped through the pages almost casually, partly amused, slightly turned on and just a little horrified. Various scenes floated through his mind as key words and declarations by both the apparent protagonist and love interest had his brow raising and his lips pulling into a devastating smirk. Well.

"It's really not what it looks like," Kyoko finally managed, face still flushed. When her beloved senpai only continued to leaf through the paperback, she snatched it out of his hands and threw it somewhere behind her. "It's nothing!"

"Of course," he answered cordially, and though his smirk had waned to a polite smile of acquiesce, the twinkle in his eye told her that it was rather for her benefit instead of the truth.

Crossing her arms with an annoyed huff, she looked away. "I was just…curious."

Then he shook his head, all traces of humor gone. "It goes without saying Kyoko, you really can read whatever you want, there's nothing to be ashamed of."

Still, her eyes refused to meet his and for several moments he debated on how he could convince her that reading a book, trashy novel or not, was just that, until she chose to speak, "Moko-san suggested it to help me…"

"Help you?"

"With this – this situation, I mean," she gestured to the space between them with a wince. "She says I know what I want, even if I don't quite understand it yet." Kyoko looked up at him somewhat helplessly. "She said I should do some research on it."

"It's understandable."

With a nervous laugh, she added, "Especially since…well I haven't exactly been uhm…intimate with anyone before." The color on her cheeks which had cooled since her brief explanation flared up once more. "Besides hugs and that kiss…Moko-san thinks I'll understand everything easier if I think of love in a physical way."

"Oh…oh I see, and reading that will help." It would be a bit of a warped view, all things considered. A female orgasm every time the couple copulates? A bit of a stretch. But Ren couldn't fault the knowledge in at least encouraging some frame work of sexuality; he highly doubted Kyoko had much time (or even the inclination) to explore it on her own, a bit of a push by her best friend seemed a good idea from his end and for Kyoko's own benefit.

"I suppose, I mean, I never thought love would be like that." She made a slight gesture at where she threw the book just moments before.

He smiled, gentlemanly as always and slightly sympathetic. "I hope you don't have your hopes too high though."

"Eh?"

"Love isn't exactly that, the physical stuff I mean." She tilted her head, curious, and waited for him to elaborate. "Physical attraction and compatibility is in the biology, its all pheromones and what an individual person would view as attractive."

"But everyone loves you," she pointed out.

"If you're referring to the fans, well, there's something to be said for allowing ourselves to be molded as whatever characters other people want us to play as actors. Really, I and even you, just pander to what everyone thinks they want. Tsuruga Ren is an ideal. People can like an ideal and even tell themselves they love it, but if they were to analyze that ideal from every angle – take it apart and question it, would they still feel the same?"

As Kyoko considered his words, he added, "You do know, of course, that Tsuruga Ren is just a stage name? I got it because it'll be easier that way to separate an ideal from an identity."

She did know, but that brought another question, "Who are you then?"

"To the world, I'm whatever they want me to be," he said, "If they need a dirty story, and I just happen to be involved in some way, they'll assign me a role. If they want people to flock at an event, and I just happen to be attending, they'll use me as bait. Once you're out there Kyoko, you aren't a person anymore because if you were, that would make it harder for them to tear you down at the slightest misstep. Human nature has always been prone to failure, but ideals aren't meant to fail."

"Who are you, with me then?" She asked tentatively.

"I am," he took a breath and admitted, "the closest thing to myself."

"Why…why can't you be yourself completely?"

"Because being myself completely would mean showing you who I really am – my mistakes, my fears, my faults, my past – and now isn't the right time for all of that."

"Will there ever be?"

He entertained the thought that such a time would never ever come, but if he had any hope of having Kyoko wholly and completely, letting her in would be something he had to learn to do. She deserved the truth.

"Perhaps."

Her smile is a bit brighter, but there's a troubled edge lingering in her features. Before he can question it though, she asked, "What's real then?"

"The physical which is likely why Kotonami-san suggested it," he said and began to explain, "Love is more psychological. It can be mutual or one-sided, based on an ideal or forged from knowing a person's true identity and accepting it without condition. Many factors and interactions depend on its development, which of course makes it that much harder to encourage. Physical however, is attraction, its biology and chemistry. You can be attracted to someone without loving them, and you can love someone without being attracted to them. "

"Can…can you show me?" She fiddled with the zipper on her jumpsuit. "The difference I mean."He paused, and when a longer silence than expected follows, she sneaks a peak at him. "Tsuruga-san?"

"We need conditions, rules."

"Uhm?"

"I agreed to teach you what love is," he reminded, his voice low and his eyes darkened; the slow appearance of the Emperor of the Night flickering across his handsome features. "But if you're asking me to show you what lust is, we'll need boundaries."

"O-oh." Mental images of what she had been reading almost half an hour ago flit into her mind, curling heat in her belly and pooling between the apex of her thighs. She fiddled again and tried not to squirm. "I…I don't quite know how to proceed."

His smile is wan. "Let's start with what you want first."

"D-don't ask me that," she's quick say, shaking her head, "that's how we got into this situation with that book in the first place!"

He chuckled. "Well we need to start somewhere."

Nervously, she wet lips and murmured. "Slow? Is that somewhere we can start?"

"Of course." I'm going to be tortured, aren't I? "But you must initiate."

"E-eh? Tsuruga-san!"

"Ren," he corrected, "if we're going to do this, you'll need to learn to call me by my name, and it'll be better this way, if you initiate. If you start it you have control of when it happens and why."

Nodding slowly, she agreed. Kyoko was in unchartered territory in every respect, control for her was important to have in whatever way she could get it even as she was putting herself, her body and her confused feelings into his hands.

"Alright, when do you want to start?"

"Are you busy now?"

He blinked in surprise. "No, technically I'm done for the day." After getting word about Kyoko's run in with the press this morning, his manager had all but insisted that he comfort her, clearing his schedule with an expert flick of his hand. Yet another attempt at match making that was actually proving fruitful for once.

"Okay."

And then she began to unzip her pink jumpsuit with Ren thinking only one thing: I'm going to hell for this.

**A/n**: Slightly shorter chapter, but I figured I should end here before things get a bit uhm _heavy_ (which heads up, the next chapter probably will be, so for those who aren't into that feel free to ignore the next update). Anyway, I'd like to give a big thanks to all the wonderful reviewers of the previous chapter:

Guest, Mirai Misaki, Guest, PaulaGasTo, 1sunfun, KyokoRen314, black neko hime and Guest.

Your kind words are always appreciated, and certainly help get chapters written faster (hint, hint). Thanks for reading, until next time!


	6. Chapter 6

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Drown in me

Chapter six

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She blinked up in confusion when his hand covered hers and tugged the zipper back into place. "It's probably safer if you keep that on."

Embarrassed and stuttering, she tried to explain, "Yes, I know I just figured it would be more comfortable without this silly zipper poking at you so I thought –"

Stilling her frantically waving hands, he chuckled. "Kyoko don't worry about my comfort, this is about you."

"But Tsuraga-san," she protested.

"Ren," he repeated patiently, gentlemanly smile still in place. "My comfort is second to yours right now, don't worry about me."The look of concern and petulant annoyance was enough to draw a chuckle from him. "If I'm uncomfortable, I'll tell you, would that be agreeable?"

With a nod of assent, she added, "If I'm uncomfortable I'll tell you as well."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," he said and with a calming inhale through the nose he asked quietly, as if afraid of spooking her, "Ready?"

Back straightening and body taut, she nodded slowly.

Seeing her apprehension in the tightly balled fists at her sides, Ren took a half step closer and breathed a quiet sigh of relief when she didn't bolt out the door screaming. Carefully, he raised a hand to cup her chin, his thumb gently tracing the tight bud of her puckered lips.

"Relax," he found himself murmuring, "I won't do anything you don't want me to; you're in control here."

The air quivered past her lips, and again she nodded.

"I know...I know...it's just...This is real; this isn't you helping me with a role or teaching me a new acting technique. I can't hide behind Natsu or Mio or even Setsu." Her eyes flickered up to meet his, vulnerability clear in her gaze.

Ren had to commend her for not falling into any of the three roles that had become her staple in the past three years since her journey as an actress began, and he could sympathize with it too. It would be terribly easy to play at just about any part he had gotten to earn him the moniker of "Co-Star Killer", but then the insecurity would always whisper whether or not Kyoko had fallen for him or the character he had chosen to play.

"It's frightening to feel so exposed, I understand," he soothed. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to." The almost lazy tracing he had been doing over her lips tapered off as he prepared to step away, willing, as always to give her what she wants, but one of the hands at her sides shot out to grip his dress shirt.

"No, I want to R-Ren-san, I just..." At a loss for words and an almost sheepish look of hopelessness in her eyes, she admitted, "I'm scared."

"It's okay to be." I am too. "I'm right here."

Taking in another fortifying breath, Kyoko nodded more firmly this time and tugged him towards her until they were flush against each other.

His exhale sounded almost like a chuckle as he brought his hands about her face, the slightly roughened pads of his fingertips caressing her cheeks and the underside of her jaw. Her color rose at the affectionate touch and he murmured in the breath they shared, "Close your eyes.

She obeyed, though her lashes fluttered nervously.

Again, his thumb trekked the familiar form of her lips and eventually she began to calm.

Gently he raised her chin, his finger ghosting over the graceful arch of her neck before coming to a rest at the juncture where it met her shoulder. Kyoko didn't move from the pose he had placed her in and with a small smile, he lowered his head.

In anticipation, her lips puckered and her brows knotted, and then wrinkled when all she felt was the added pressure of his forehead against hers.

They stayed like that for what felt like a few minutes though perhaps it had only been seconds before her patience and confusion won over and she murmured his name in question.

"I'm following the rules," he told her with a hint of amusement though their near breathless quality made her toes curl. "You have to initiate."

With what sounded like a huff, Kyoko drew herself higher, using the grip she already had on his shirt as leverage before pressing her lips against his.

For several heartbeats neither moved beyond the contact of their lips. When the familiar tingling began to set in at the pit of her stomach, she experimentally began to move her lips against his as she had read about in the book Moko-san had given her. Ren was quick to follow.

Kyoko felt his fingers flex just above the jumpsuit over her shoulders, a ghost grip against the material to pull her closer and without knowing the words to give him permission to, she slowly allowed her tongue to meet his lips.

Surprised by the moist touch, he easily gave way and the warm cavern of his mouth opened to her.

The sensation was so new to her that the moan that vibrated from her throat was an embarrassing surprise, one that Ren, at least, seemed to appreciate as his patient fingers suddenly grew frantic. His long digits came about her neck, tangling in her hair and massaging her scalp with short nails; the combination dragging another moan from her as she tightened her hold on him.

The warmth of his other hand circled her waist to pull her closer, nearly lifting her off her feet as their tongues continued to mingle.

He felt himself grow beneath his perfectly tailored pants, and just as a reasonable part of his mind suggested perhaps putting some distance between them, Kyoko's hold on him had switched and her arms had come around his neck. The friction that came with the movement made him groan , his lips taking the bottom of hers in sweet retribution.

Having held her breath throughout this though, Kyoko's oxygen ran out and she pushed away from him, face flushed and chest heaving.

And just like that the spell was broken as Ren was forced to pull himself out of the haze of her. As she buried her face in his shirt, he held her beneath his chin and tried to calm his breathing and the insistent bulge in his pants.

Her continued close proximity and the intoxicating strawberry scent of her shampoo didn't help, and neither did their joint heavy breathing filling the room.

When the high began to slowly recede, she tentatively stepped away from his embrace, though kept a hold on his shirt for support as her legs trembled.

"R-Ren?"

Hair slightly mused, and eyes still heavily lidded, he managed a slight smile. "Yes Kyoko?"

"Can we...can we do that again?"

The roguish smirk that came over his features and the accompanying glimmer of the Emperor of the Night made her flush anew as he answered lowly, "Whatever you want."

**A/n: **Almost at a hundred follows for this fic, thank you everyone so so much!

Apologies for the lack of updates, my laptop died with the chapter I had already written and had to start from scratch :-/

Anyway, thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

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Drown in me

Chapter seven

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They weren't exactly dating, Kyoko thought.

Sure, he took her out for meals and they spent an inordinate amount of time together outside of a work and a simple senpai-kohai relationship, but really he was just helping her to understand what it meant to be in a romantic relationship; how one could feel love and give it in return.

Granted it wasn't for a particular role and had more to do with her confused personal feelings towards him than anything else. But really. They weren't dating.

Even if they held hands.

That part had been an accident.

After a light lunch and going for a leisurely stroll through a park before returning to LME, they had a bit of a run-in with nearby paparazzi and Ren had instinctively grabbed her hand and dashed off. He let go at some point during the run, but when she almost slipped, and grabbed his hand for support, he didn't loosen it even as she regained her footing.

By the time they lost the cameras and were safe from sight, they were still holding hands.

She found it quite comforting really to have someone do such a mindless thing.

Sure, Kyoko had held Maria's hand a few times and even Kanae's, but it was never for as long as this and it certainly didn't make her feel quite as flustered as it had then.

He had smiled of course, in that gentlemanly way before asking, "Is this okay?"

And all she could do was nod stupidly in reply.

But so what? They also happened to like kissing each other, holding hands wasn't that big of a deal then, surely!

Oh…wait, wait no! Kyoko wanted to groan at the thought and would've rubbed the heel of her palms against her eyes if they weren't currently preoccupied…

Stupid! Stupid! She internally berated. What had that book she just got say about this kind of thing? Boundaries? Knowing the power of "no"?

He had already told her that she would place the boundaries, that she had to be the one to initiate. She did. She knew what "no" was, but she hadn't wanted to give him that answer – not because she didn't have feelings for him and most certainly not because she didn't want him; it was all too confusing!

There had to be other stuff to help her get through this, to help her get her footing back.

What was it, what was it?

Communication! Yes! The book, and Ren told her that was important. That if she didn't like something, all she had to do was tell him and he'd back off – which he gladly did.

Not that she didn't like what was happening right now but –

Without any conscious thought on her part, a breathy moan past her lips and she felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment.

Ren, having been far too close in her personal space to not hear her, seemed to pause before slowly putting some distance between them.

The only words to come from within her muddled mind at the subtle action was a pathetic keening "nooo".

From under the shadow of his messy fringe of dark hair, a result of their decidedly amorous activity, he considered her. Though she knew that he found no fault in her (by his own admission), Kyoko still felt embarrassingly self-conscious about it.

The gap between them, hardly noticeable since their chests were still touching, seemed far too big a space when comparing their previous position. In all honestly, she couldn't quite remember how they got to it in the first place.

He had taken her home after a long day on set, as their routine was of late.

They usually kissed each other goodbye because…well…after that first step into the lust part of love, it had been a strange thing to _not_ repeat and he seemed more than willing to add that to the list of things they could do together to help her learn what love was. And though she only ever admitted it to herself in the quiet and cover of her blankets, that she liked it too much to actually stop, she took to it like a student would:

She tried to figure out what she liked about it (everything), what she didn't like about it (that it made her feel strangely empty after it was over), how she could change what she didn't like (kiss him twice or at least more than once) and what she could do to make it better.

Kyoko had asked him about the last just a few minutes before, and his smile had seemed strained before he answered, "It's going fine for now, unless you have any complaints about my…technique."

She remembered being rather confused by the choice of words and asked for him to elaborate.

He had coughed and said, "There are different ways to kiss."

There were friendly ones – kissing the cheek, the forehead, the hands – all of which he had done at some point for one reason or another, and of which many people applied to one another without romantic feeling.

The simple ones had been the ones they usually shared. Just lips.

And then there was the French, it was called. With tongue that they had only done a few times on that fateful day a month ago. Kyoko had found that one to be exciting but strangely restrained at the same time, now that she thought about it, she supposed it was because Ren had been as in control as possible.

Making a mental note to read up on it later (perhaps in one of those other erotic books Kanae had found for her), Kyoko had nodded and prepared to get out of the car before he stopped her.

"It's raining; I'll walk you in."

Usually she invited him up anyway for coffee and just to talk (really!) so she had accepted, and somehow they found themselves here.

Pressed against the wall and each other just outside her small apartment.

"Ren?"

When he only continued to stare at her with those dark intense eyes of his, she tried to still the shudder of her breath and asked, "Is…is everything okay? Did I…do something wrong?"

His chuckle sounded just as strained as his smile looked in the car, and he shook his head. "No…you didn't do anything wrong, I should just…I went over the line." He took a physical step back as if to consciously remind himself of that fact, but she followed him.

"You went over it because I let you."

Still, he took his steps more purposely away until he was leaning on the wall across from her. "It's probably best if we don't -"

"What are we?" she interrupted.

"What?"

"What are we?" She repeated slowly. "We go out on dates, at least Kanae calls them that. We hold hands. We kiss. What are we?"

When all he did was stare at her, looking rather baffled himself. Kyoko took to rambling, "I mean, if you do that with just me, I won't mind if you went over that line. But if you're doing it with someone else too then -" It wasn't like she really had a claim, she stopped short, and it was her turn to shake her head. "N-never mind. I just…I'm being silly."

Suddenly determined now to get away from the situation, she turned towards her door, fiddling with her keys loudly until over the silver chimes, he said, "No."

The door creaked open, just an inch, before she stilled and repeated, "No?"

"No," he said, "there's no one else. Just you."

"O-oh." Now what? She thought, feeling more lost than she had before.

He laughed aloud this time, but it sounded empty. "There's always been no one else but you, even before I told you, ever since -" It was his turn to cut himself off. "I don't know what to tell you…."

"Neither do I," she admitted, and she closed her eyes and debated against herself whether turning around and continuing to talk about this was a good idea or not before deciding that she would very much like to honour the "rules" they'd agreed on, and turned around to do just that. "I feel selfish."

Ren looked up.

"I can't tell you I love you, not yet…But I also don't want you with anyone else," she whispered, "That's awful isn't it?"

"Could you though? Love me back?"

"I could," she admitted, "but who knows how long that will take? I don't even know if I can yet."

"Yet, I can work with "yet"," he told her with a smile more real than the others he had given her. "But is there someone else? Someone you would rather learn from? Someone you would rather save your love for?"

Realistically, Ren knew that her mother and Sho would come to mind, but if they did, she discarded them quite quickly and shook her head. "Kanae said I already know how to love my friends, and even if we didn't like each other very much in the beginning, I loved you as my mentor. I haven't…I don't know if I can love someone like family again after mother, and as for Sho, I don't think I ever loved him in the first place." She looked at him and said rather shyly, "Would you be opposed if I said I don't know what one's first love is yet?"

"I wouldn't," he whispered, "not at all."

"And if I asked if it could be you?"

He exhaled and that sounded like a real laugh too. "I'd do my best to deserve it."

She smiled, and nodded. "Okay."

"Okay."

Before he knew it, she had propelled herself into his arms again, pressing him to the wall as her lips caressed his invitingly and bloomed beneath his answering response. Gently still, he cradled the back of her neck, and with broad searching strokes into the crevice of her warm mouth he walked her back to their previous position.

Their slightly damp clothes from the rain outside, clung and hugged to their respective skins, and as his hands resumed the journey that had previously separated them, knuckles brushing against the hardened peaks at the front of her shirt as she gasped into him.

He broke away from her enough to murmur huskily in her ear, "May I?"

"Please do…"

His lips came back to claim hers in a smile as his thumbs rubbed slow circles over the one and his other hand combed through her hair.

She was quick to respond to his attention, and rubbed eager palms against his pectorals and neck, lightly scratching over the surface until his breath shuddered against her skin.

It was only when she began to rock her hips against his, did he return the favour and that bulge she'd been rather embarrassingly curious about met her centre through the material of their clothes and they both groaned.

That was a message they both understood.


End file.
